3 Black Actors

I'd like to start this post with a quote from the movie Jerry Maguire.

"I love black people. I am MISTER black people."

Having said that, I will now proceed with the following true tale of hilarity.

My friends. Marcie and Lisa. Marce and The J. Jerry and Elaine. Fred and Daphne. Farah Fawcett and Kate Jackson.

















There they are. The fools. I love them.

We all used to work together many moons ago (Lisa and Marcie still do) before I moved to Texas, and every once in awhile we would do some much needed Team Building. Of course by Team Building I mean drinking. And laughing. Lisa, Marcie and I were always much more than just co-workers. We were friends, and I still consider them among my best friends.

So, once upon a time on one such Team Building occasion, the 3 of us are sitting around, drinking a few brews and talking. We were discussing how Mr. J. (Lisa's husband) would see someone, anyone, with a beard and think that that person was Kris Kristofferson.

Seriously. People on TV, dead celebrities, former presidents, fictional characters. Kenny Rogers, Abraham Lincoln, Jerry Garcia, Santa Claus. All Kris Kristofferson. Random people. He'd be walking down the street in suburban Ann Arbor, Michigan and see a guy with a beard, and point him out and say, "Hey look, it's Kris Kristofferson". And he truly believed it, every time. Mr. J is not quite right.

So we are discussing this, and laughing heartily because, let's face it, that shit is funny. And then I bring up how I'm sympathetic to Mr. J's plight, because I too have a confusion issue regarding celebrities. I tell the girls how I often confuse James Earl Jones

with Laurence Fishburne.

To me, they are one and the same. Lisa and Marcie crack up at this. James Earl Jones and Laurence Fishburne?!! How crazy! Jones, the voice of Darth Vader; and Fishburne, the guy from the Matrix. How could I possibly get them confused? Preposterous!

As the laughter dies, Marcie chimes in with, "I don't understand how you can get them confused! Laurence Fishburne is much younger! And he was also the guy in Pulp Fiction!"

More laughter erupts. Lisa and I inform Marcie that Laurence Fishburne was NOT, in fact, in Pulp Fiction, but rather, that was Samuel L. Jackson.

Marcie doesn't believe it! "Are you sure?" she asks. Lisa and I, still chuckling, assure her that it is so.

Lisa, shaking her head, now can't believe that 2 of her friends and her husband have made such errors of identification. "When clearly," she says, "Everyone knows that Samuel L. Jackson was also the voice of Donkey from Shrek."

At this point, if you had been sitting at the table next to us, you would have thought we were delivering a litter of puppies. We were shrieking and screaming with laughter.

No, Marcie and I say between gasps, that was Eddie Murphy.

It took 10 minutes for us to stop laughing/crying/screaming and calm down. We all had tears rolling down our face at the absurdity of the conversation that had just taken place. Essentially you had 3 white girls, sitting around talking about a bunch of black actors and no one knew who was who. And it went from me, to Marcie, to Lisa. Each one of us taking a turn mis-identifying a black actor. We stopped there, although I have a feeling we could have continued the circle, since I sometimes confuse Eddie Murphy with Chris Rock.

To each of these actors, I'd like to say that I apologize for our ignorance. You have each contributed something valuable and worthwhile to the film and television industry. Except I didn't really like The Matrix, but I'm sure Fishburne has done other things that I've seen. I can't think of what, except  maybe Star Wars. I'm just kidding. I no longer get them confused. Most of the time.

Speaking of beards, I think I found my next knitting project.

I'm going to wear it on my next trip up to Michigan and mess with Mr. J.

Hey look! It's Kris Kristofferson!

The Adventures of Keltherine

In case you've been wondering (and I know you have, don't lie) what I've been up to in the past 5 months, it can pretty much be summed up in one word: Keltherine.

Back in March or April, my friend Kellie and I decided that we were slowly, but quite efficiently, morphing into one Super Awesome Being. We spent enough time together, and essentially had the same tastes, likes and dislikes, beliefs, morals (or lack thereof), and thirst for alcohol. We discovered that we both hate the word moist. We both love to eat cheese. We both think it's hilarious to say the word "ass" while we burp. We both want to make the sexy time with Alexander Skarsgard.

We started dressing alike when we went out, unintentionally. We decided to call our new dual identity Keltherine. I'd like to show you what she's been up to this past summer.

In May, we threw on some Michael Jackson sparkly gloves and went to an 80's concert in the park. (you can see we're dressed alike...down to the sunglasses and flip flops, which are not visible)

Later in May, we wowed locals with our karaoke version of Sir Mix-a-lot's classic, "Baby Got Back" (again, dressed alike)

In June we...

Celebrated a friend's 40th birthday (who are those girls in the green dresses?)

And played Chicken Shit Bingo, which is exactly what it sounds like. And also, awesome.

In July, we traveled to exotic Ohio and Michigan on our Keltherine 2010 Summer Tour, where we visited with the 2 friends who brought us together in the first place, Heather and Dani. (and again....)

We celebrated our Nation's independence.....

By enjoying some lukewarm Colt 45. Thank you, Billy Dee Williams.

In August we demonstrated how tan I'd become over the summer, and how pasty white Kellie remained. Oh, and we wine tasted.

We hung out with Reenie (hi!) at Luckenbach.... 

And sweet talked some big cocks. 

We said goodbye to summer and hello to Dallas Night Club with Kourtney. 

And in September, we watched football and cut off at Pluckers for being "too loud". Or too drunk. Potato. Po-tah-to.

Keltherine has been busy.

Seriously. Kellie and I have both been through a lot in the past 4 months, and I know I speak for both of us when I say that we thank God every day that we found each other. She has been my rock, my mother, my sister, my care giver, my biggest fan and my best friend over the past few months. I wouldn't have gotten through everything that I have gone through without her, and I feel confident saying that she wouldn't have gotten through her shit without me either. I'm not prone to cheese it up, but I mean it kids, she's alright.

To Kellie: Thank you. Steve loves Jews. Always.

Double D

This blog is not about breasts. If you've seen the title and have come here looking for information or pictures pertaining to hooters, fun bags, jugs, golden bozos, or any of the like, I am sorry to disappoint you, but you've come to the wrong blog. AND the wrong lady.

Rather, this blog is about my trips this past week to the 2 D's. Dallas and Detroit. First let me just say that moving away from where you were born, raised and lived for 27 years and then going back and trying to cram in 27 years of friends, family and former co-worker visits in 4 and a half days is exhausting. I never got so little sleep in my life and if there's one thing we know about me, it's that I need my sleep. So if I didn't get to see you while I was there, or if I did see you, but not enough, I am sorry.

I have compiled a series of highlights, lowlights, and observations pertaining to my trips.

Lowlight
Started the vacation off my locking my keys in my car upon my arrival in Dallas. Along with my luggage. All. Locked. In. After using a few choice expletives, and Benny trying his hardest to break into my car with a coat hanger (I'm sure his neighbors loved that), I decided to sleep on it and call a Locksmith in the morning. The Locksmith comes, does the exact same thing I'd seen Benny doing the night before (only with an official looking un-bent coat hanger thingy) and within 60 seconds - POP. $50 later and I have my things and my keys. Great way to begin the vacation.

Highlight
Got to see the Detroit Tigers kick the Texas Rangers' asses at Ranger Stadium with the cousins. 13-5 and it wasn't even that exciting. I like a little more action in my baseball games, but this at least somewhat made up for the Tigers losing so badly to the Astros when The Cowboy and I went down to Houston.


































Me, Matthew and Ang.

Observation
Dallas is just about as hot as Austin. And the baseball game was outside. Hi, I'm Sweaty.















Highlight
Ann Arbor is even more beautiful in the summer than I remember. Sadly, I don't have a picture to show you. But everything is even more green and wonderful than my memories showed. Austin is a pretty green area of Texas, but I truly had forgotten how verdant (big word alert) everything looks up there this time of year. Not to mention that it was barely 80 degrees every day and actually pleasant to be outdoors.

Lowlight
It got cold at night. Friday night we sat outside on my friend Lisa's patio and drank and laughed (and laughed, and laughed....oh, and laughed) and it got down into the 60's. I was ccccccccold. I could see my breath. It hasn't taken me long to acclimate to Texas weather.















Apparently, when I'm cold, I look like a thug.

Observation
At first I had trouble remembering what radio stations I used to listen to, so I did a scan and found a country station. Country stations up in Detroit are WAY different than the ones down here. They play almost completely different music. I heard a few songs that I may have heard down here, but on the whole, it was different stuff. Weird.

Highlight




















Got to eat at The Heidelberg, one of my favorite Ann Arbor restaurants, with some of my favorite people.















Me, Marcie, Lisa and Charlene (more blogs to come on these clowns SOON)

Lowlight
Lisa (and I, maybe) couldn't stop laughing and they almost kicked us out.





























































Oh wait, that wasn't a lowlight. It was another highlight. And they didn't really almost kick us out. We were the only people in there. We always are the only people in there. I don't know how that place stays open. I also don't know how they make such delicious pork chops.

Observation
Labatt's Blue Light and Bell's Oberon Ale both taste just as wonderful and delicious as I remember them tasting. I wasn't sure of that after the first one. Or the second. I needed to make absolute certain of it, so I drank quite a few.








































Yep, still tasty.

Lowlight




















I didn't absolutely love the Harry Potter movie*. I didn't hate it. It was ok. And I think if I watched it again I would enjoy it more the second time. But the problem is that I am a HP purist. And I'd just re-read the book, which is clearly a mistake and setting myself up for failure. I know they can't possibly include everything from the books in the movies, but I feel (since you asked) there are certain vital pieces of information which were just barely touched on or left out all together. There are going to be a lot of holes to fill in the beginning of the next movie. I'll shut up now, I'm even annoying myself with all this HP movie talk. Let's just say I was disappointed.

*(For those of you who don't know the story.....my friend from high school Sarah and I have seen every HP movie together since they came out. She flew down to Texas 2 years ago to see Order of the Phoenix, so it was my turn to fly up for Half Blood Prince. The movie came out 3 weeks ago, but Sarah and I waited not so patiently so we could see it together. A lot of hype. A lot of buildup.)

Highlight
I got to spend lots of quality time with Sarah and her girls.




















This is Cate. She will be 4 in a few weeks.




















She had been practicing her "rope tricks" for weeks and was very excited to show me. I'm not sure what Sarah and her husband have told Cate about Texas, but I do know it involves rope tricks, horses and cowboys. Is this how all northerners (read: Yankees) see us?




















Cate is very stylish.




















This is Ellie, Cate's sister. We call her Elbow. She was 1 in April. I've seen some cute kids. I've featured them on my blog.




















This kid? Takes the cute cake.





















I can barely form sentences about how much I love her.





















Sarah is a good mommy.

Observation




















The apron I made for Sarah is my best work yet. Sarah loved it. She's requested one for Cate.

Lowlight
Lisa's precious and wonderful children, Maddie




















and Abby (whose bed I slept in)




















had head lice, unbeknownst to us at the time of my overnight visit. So Lisa had to call me and tell me and apologize for my potential exposure to the little bugs.

Highlight
I don't think I actually got the lices, but just to be safe, Heather and I bought a kit and treated my hair anyway.




















If you've never had to treat lice in your hair or someone else's - be thankful. It's a pain in the arse, and I didn't even have any bugs or eggs in my hair. If I had, I imagine it would have been worse. Heather and I made the most out of it, though, with some more help from Oberon and some good old fashioned trashy reality teevee.

Observation
Gavin is Heather's kid 100%. (or maybe 50%, I never was any good at maths and reproduction)





















His buckets contained, at various points throughout the evening: blueberries, popcorn, chicken, fries and lettuce. I think we have a future "Monster" in the making.















And when those snacks weren't enough, he improvised.




















Gavin's fashion sense leaves a lot to be desired, but at least he's comfortable.


Highlight
Had lunch at Zingerman's, and I can't recall the last time I ate there. It had been years.


















Lowlight
Needed to take out a small loan to afford my sandwich, and remembered why I didn't eat there very often even when I lived in Ann Arbor.














Observation
The #54, Wayne's Inheritance (not pictured), was just as delicious as it used to be, and (grudgingly) worth the $12.00.


Highlight
I got to see most of my family while there.

Lowlight
I don't have any pictures of them.

Observation




















I took this picture for My Lady, who would kill me if she knew that I didn't actually eat there, just stopped by long enough to get a picture. So the official story (if she ever asks) is that I ate there and it was delicious and the proprietor (who we call Lai Lai) is alive and well.

Lowlight
On the plane ride back to Dallas, the kid (11 or 12 years old) sitting directly behind me sneezed no fewer than 30 times. Loudly. And I'm not sure he covered his mouth once. He could have, I suppose. I wasn't about to turn around and look at him and risk getting sneezed on in the face. But every time I'd lean my head against the window and try to doze off.....AHHHHCHOOOOOO. And all I could think about was airborn germs and SARS and bacteria and getting sick. No rest for the weary on the plane.

Highlight
I saw Eddie Montgomery, from the country duo Montgomery Gentry, at the airport. In fact, I'm pretty sure he was on my flight. But I for sure stood near him durring baggage claim, and also while we were waiting for our rides. My ride came in the form of Ang and Benny, his in the form of his monstrous tour bus with a sign that said "Eddie Montgomery" on the front, and "Montgomery Gentry" on the back.




















He did not have on his big black hat or trench coat. In fact, he was dressed like a regular dude. He had on a backwards baseball cap, shorts and a t-shirt. He was just standing there with another guy (not Gentry) chatting and waiting for his bag. No bodyguards or entourage or anything. I guess he's not that high profile, and can still travel without being recognized.

Confession
I did not recognize him at first. It wasn't until I saw him get on the tour bus that I actually looked at him and thought it might be him, and not until I looked him up on the interwebs that I realized that it was, in fact, Eddie Montgomery. Otherwise you know I would have gotten my camera out and taken a picture. I have no shame.

In Summary...
It was a great trip, if a little short and rushed. Thanks to everyone who put me up, paid for a meal, drove me to or from the airport, and combed my hair for bugs.

The Cowboy and I are off on another vacation next week, this time to Palo Duro Canyon. It's my last week of summer vacation, and then it's back to work for me.

Sniffle.