The Adventures of Keltherine

In case you've been wondering (and I know you have, don't lie) what I've been up to in the past 5 months, it can pretty much be summed up in one word: Keltherine.

Back in March or April, my friend Kellie and I decided that we were slowly, but quite efficiently, morphing into one Super Awesome Being. We spent enough time together, and essentially had the same tastes, likes and dislikes, beliefs, morals (or lack thereof), and thirst for alcohol. We discovered that we both hate the word moist. We both love to eat cheese. We both think it's hilarious to say the word "ass" while we burp. We both want to make the sexy time with Alexander Skarsgard.

We started dressing alike when we went out, unintentionally. We decided to call our new dual identity Keltherine. I'd like to show you what she's been up to this past summer.

In May, we threw on some Michael Jackson sparkly gloves and went to an 80's concert in the park. (you can see we're dressed alike...down to the sunglasses and flip flops, which are not visible)

Later in May, we wowed locals with our karaoke version of Sir Mix-a-lot's classic, "Baby Got Back" (again, dressed alike)

In June we...

Celebrated a friend's 40th birthday (who are those girls in the green dresses?)

And played Chicken Shit Bingo, which is exactly what it sounds like. And also, awesome.

In July, we traveled to exotic Ohio and Michigan on our Keltherine 2010 Summer Tour, where we visited with the 2 friends who brought us together in the first place, Heather and Dani. (and again....)

We celebrated our Nation's independence.....

By enjoying some lukewarm Colt 45. Thank you, Billy Dee Williams.

In August we demonstrated how tan I'd become over the summer, and how pasty white Kellie remained. Oh, and we wine tasted.

We hung out with Reenie (hi!) at Luckenbach.... 

And sweet talked some big cocks. 

We said goodbye to summer and hello to Dallas Night Club with Kourtney. 

And in September, we watched football and cut off at Pluckers for being "too loud". Or too drunk. Potato. Po-tah-to.

Keltherine has been busy.

Seriously. Kellie and I have both been through a lot in the past 4 months, and I know I speak for both of us when I say that we thank God every day that we found each other. She has been my rock, my mother, my sister, my care giver, my biggest fan and my best friend over the past few months. I wouldn't have gotten through everything that I have gone through without her, and I feel confident saying that she wouldn't have gotten through her shit without me either. I'm not prone to cheese it up, but I mean it kids, she's alright.

To Kellie: Thank you. Steve loves Jews. Always.

So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun

(insert perfunctory apology for ridiculously long absence HERE)

My friend Kellie and I get together about twice a week (and sometimes more) to knit, watch American Idol, drink wine and bitch about life. It's a beautiful thing. This past Sunday was one such occasion, and we made a trip to the local hippy-likesmaller and less pretentious-version of Whole Foods, Sprouts. They're not nation wide yet, and they haven't completely replaced Trader Joe's in my heart, but they're a close second. Trader Joe's, I miss you.

So as we're perusing the aisles and filling our baskets with logs of goat cheese and boxes of crackers, we come upon this little delight.

Chocovine. Anyone? I'd certainly never heard of it, but apparently it's been around. We were intrigued. We both looked at it, looked at each other, and then I placed it in our basket, and without saying another word we moved on. We have that kind of relationship where we understand each other and don't need to discuss the purchase of hilarious chocolate wine drinks. Of course we're going to buy it. As if there was ever any question about it. Never mind that we already had 2 other bottles in our basket. Never fear, we've not had any problems polishing off bottles of wine in the past.

That's a recipe for success, by the way, if you're looking for one. 2 bottles of wine + Casey James and Lee Dewyze + knitting = awesomeness. I had to rip back a bib I was working on because after that second bottle of wine, it was all wonky and had a big hole in it.

But damn, did you see Lee's performance of "Hey Jude"? With the bagpipes? That more than made up for any knitting frustrations I might have had. Lee and I are going to make Idol babies one day. You'll see.

Anyway, I got off subject. The wine. The chocolate wine. The Chocovine. We paid for our purchases and went on our way. When we got back to Kellie's place, we decided to open up another bottle first and refrigerate the Chocovine. Figuring it would be better cold, and also possibly after another bottle of wine.

Wrong on both accounts. It was quite possibly the nastiest stuff I've ever had in my mouth (that's what she said). It sort of tasted like a mud-slide, but worse. It didn't taste AT ALL like wine, and barely like chocolate. It was really gross. To the makers of Chocovine, I am sorry. That shiz is gross. Shame on you for marketing that to poor, unsuspecting drunks like myself and Kellie. I want my $8.99 back. (perhaps that should have been an indicator?)

On the drive home (and don't worry, I waited an appropriate amount of time before driving and ate an inappropriate amount of goat cheese and crackers), I heard one of my favorite John Mayer songs on the radio. And it made me smile. And also made me wax philosophical. If you're not a hard core JM fan, you may not know this song. It's not one they play on the radio often. But it's my favorite of all his songs. And as much as I think that John Mayer the person might be a total douche bag, he's a good song writer, and a great guitarist, and a sexy mo-fo. I'm sorry. That's just how I feel. So anyway, here's the lyrics to the song.

No, I'm not color blind, I know the world is black and white

Try to keep an open mind but I just can't sleep in this tonight

Stop this train, I want to get off and go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in

I know I can't, but honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go

One generation's length away from fighting life out on my own

Stop this train, I want to get off and go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in

I know I can't, but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older I'm only good at being young

So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man, said help me understand

He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate

Don't stop this train, don't for a minute change the place you're in

And don't think I couldn't ever understand

I tried my hand, John, honestly, we'll never stop this train

Once in awhile when it's good it'll feel like it should

And they're all still around and you're still safe and sound

And you don't miss a thing 'till you cry when you're driving away in the dark

Singing stop this train, I want to get off and go home again

I can't take the speed it's moving in

I know I can't, cause now I see I'll never stop this train

You can listen to the song here: Stop this train

I don't know what it is about these lyrics that move me so much, but they do. And I thought I'd share that with you.

So that's all I have for you. Bad wine and good music. Oh, and my Etsy store is open - have you noticed? Check out the side bar! If you haven't already, please take a look around. It's been open for nearly a month and so far is doing better than I anticipated. So I'm pleased. I'll be adding more to it later this week, so check back in.

Until we meet again...

Good Things

Here is a list (I love lists!) of the latest and greatest in my life. Because I know you've all been waiting with baited breath on tenterhooks on the edge of your seat for this.

Thanksgiving

My cousin Ang called me last weekend and asked if I wanted to drive up to Michigan for Thanksgiving with her. Um, does a bear shit in the woods? The answer is yes. I haven't been back to Michigan for Thanksgiving since I moved down here, so it will be my first "My Family Meal" since 2005. I am EXCITED. I mean no disrespect to The Cowboy or his people, but you know how Thanksgiving with anyone else's family just isn't quite the same. The food is always different. Not necessarily bad different, but different, and I look forward to eating familiar, wonderful, comforting food this year.

Because we're leaving in one week, I've been scrambling to get my Christmas shopping (for those in Michigan) done so I can bring it with me and save me an ass ton on shipping. Well, I haven't really been "scrambling", so much, as I've been loving every minute of it. It gave me an official excuse to get into the Christmas spirit. I try to show a normal amount of restraint when it comes to music, decorations and shopping, but my pending trip north allowed me to throw caution to the wind and dive nose first into Christmas Time. I'm a happy clam. Y'all know how I feel about Christmas.

It's Back!

Hey speaking of Christmas, look what's back on the store shelves!!

I love this stuff. I bought 3 2-liters today, only to get home and discover that one of them is diet. DAMMIT. Oh well, that will be the stuff I use to mix with the vodker. That way I won't taste it as much. Speaking of drinks....

Box-o-Wine

I was leery of the wine in a box concept. Perhaps because my only experience with it was Franzia White Zinfandel. And that shit is nasty. But recently, I was at my friend Christy's house (mom of BSP) and she offered me a glass of wine, which of course I accepted, and it was a glass from a box-o-wine. And it was good. And I was shocked. And then I was happy. And I was all, "Mmm this is good." And she was all "Yeah it's from a box." And I was all "Shut up!" And she was all "No, it's true". And then she showed me, and it was true. The end.

Target has their Wine Cubes on sale this week - $15.99. And there is the equivalent of 4 bottles in one box. For SIXTEEN DOLLARS. That is $4 a bottle. I did the maths, you can trust me. And it stays good in your fridge for up to 4 weeks (if it lasts that long, which it won't at my house and if you need any help polishing your box off, please let me know). Now, it's not the best quality wine I've ever had. But it sure as shit ain't the worst either. It falls somewhere right in the middle. For $16, I will take it. I am enjoying a glass right now as I type this.

There's my box-o-wine, nestled happily on the shelf in the fridge. What's that? You say that you see a six pack of beer, a bottle of champagne AND a bottle of vodka in the fridge? No, we do not have a problem. No, that orange juice was not purchased for the sole purpose of making mimosas. No, I do not need 12 steps. Let's move on.

Oranges!

The Cowboy bought some fruit trees this year. Apple, lemon, lime and orange. So far, we haven't produced any real quality fruit, but he tells me that it sometimes takes a full year for the trees to produce. However, when I took the dogs outside the other morning, I noticed this:

!!!!!! It looks almost ready to eat. Perhaps I'll cut it up and float it on top of my mimosas. I'm KIDDING. Geesh, lighten up.

Baby Hats

A girl I work with and her husband are adopting a little girl. The pick her up tomorrow, and we are having a baby shower for them at work on Monday. The little girl is 19 months old, and has Chromosome 18, which is a disorder I'm told is similar to Down Syndrome. She is the sweetest, cutest little thing (they've had her on weekends now for several months), and her name is Alyssa. I don't have any pictures, but if I get some I will post them. Natch, I made a hat for her.

And another for my friend Sarah's daughter, Elbow Macaroni.

I am loving these hats - they knit up in several hours and are so cute. Hats for everyone!

And the last Good Thing in my life right now is

This dog.

She is so sweet. To put it simply, I love her.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Babies and Boobies and Clowns! Oh My!

Or should I say, Babies and Boobies and Clowns! Nachos! Or maybe I shouldn't talk about clowns, boobies and babies in the same sentence or the same blog. But I'm going to. I'm all about pushing the boundaries of normal social conduct.

So Saturday was Halloween. In case you weren't aware of it, I'm here to remind you. You're welcome. As promised, I have pictures of myself and The Cowboy in our costumes, as well as The Cuteness and Stinky in theirs, AND of The Cuteness in her hat. It's a picture bonanza here.

The Cowboy decided about a month and a half ago that he was going to go as a clown. Now, let me just tell you all something about The Cowboy, if I haven't said it already. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about him. He is All About Business. When he sets his mind on something, ANYthing, he is going to follow it through to the bitter end and obsess about it until it's perfect.

Guitar building, pickle making, getting a TV signal on the computer in the bedroom, not wearing a belt to work, locksmithing, boycotting Sprint - whatever it is, you can bet that when he decides he's on board - he is On Board.

So, he wanted to be a clown. He searched the Halloween stores and the innernets to find just the perfect costume. He purchased props, including a water squirting flower, a horn and a "BANG" gun. He researched clown makeup and balloon animal craftmanship. I'm not making this up. Here is the final product:

Meet "Robert" the Clown. He thought it was heeeeeeelarious that his clown name was Robert. Sometimes I don't get his humor.

Meanwhile, I couldn't decide what the hell to be for Halloween. I was back and forth between a witch (boring) and one of the girls from the Robert Palmer videos from the 80s (figured I'd have to spend all night explaining it to my friends who, I love, but are from Texas and therefor listened to Randy Travis in the 80s and not Robert Palmer....not that I'm disrespecting Randy Travis). The costumes both involved the same basic black dress that I've had since I was in high school (and still fits! thanks to stretchy material, but still, a victory), and I would accessorize with either a pair of striped tights and a hat, or a bunch of hussy makeup and the guitar from our Wii Rock Band. It was a toss up. As I said, I'd always wanted to do the Robert Palmer thing, but I figured the humor of it would be lost on my countrified friends, so I nixed that. And the witch thing was easy enough, but not original or creative. So at the last minute, I threw together this costume. I figured my countrified friends could appreciate this.

Rodeo Clown! We already had clown makeup. I had the hat, the shorts and the shoes. I bought the striped socks, the bandannas, and the shirt, which is actually kind of cute and I might consider wearing it again. Overall I spent about 2 days putting this costume together, as opposed to the nearly 2 months The Cowboy spent. That's the difference between us. But we looked cute, didn't we?

You know who else looked cute? That's right - The Cuteness herself and her best friend Baby Stinky Pants. They were a chicken and a bunny, respectively.

They also enjoyed Robert's balloon animals, after they changed out of their costumes.

Maddie really liked the hat that I made for her.

She liked it so much that she kept bringing me beers all night.

See? This is why you have kids.

(and actually, I'm only joking about her bringing me beer....she was bringing them to her father......again, just kidding, she was playing with the ice)

My friends and I are not young anymore, so it wasn't a particularly late night, aided by the fact that we got an extra hour. But I still had to get up at the BCOD on Sunday morning to be in Austin for the Race for the Cure. It was not easy to get up and get moving that early - but I am so glad I did. Thanks to my friends and family I raised $225 for the Susan G. Komen Foundation, and I walked/jogged the 5k with my friend Lesli from work.

It was an amazing experience. Thank you to everyone who supported me!

As you can see I had a very fun and fulfilling weekend. This coming weekend The Cowboy and I are going camping. In the meantime, I've been working on a recipe for you for later this week. And I've been inspired (bullied) to try cro-shit again. Standby for details regarding that train wreck.

Gratuitous Stinky Shot!

Hope you all have a fabulous week, Dahlings.

Double D

This blog is not about breasts. If you've seen the title and have come here looking for information or pictures pertaining to hooters, fun bags, jugs, golden bozos, or any of the like, I am sorry to disappoint you, but you've come to the wrong blog. AND the wrong lady.

Rather, this blog is about my trips this past week to the 2 D's. Dallas and Detroit. First let me just say that moving away from where you were born, raised and lived for 27 years and then going back and trying to cram in 27 years of friends, family and former co-worker visits in 4 and a half days is exhausting. I never got so little sleep in my life and if there's one thing we know about me, it's that I need my sleep. So if I didn't get to see you while I was there, or if I did see you, but not enough, I am sorry.

I have compiled a series of highlights, lowlights, and observations pertaining to my trips.

Lowlight
Started the vacation off my locking my keys in my car upon my arrival in Dallas. Along with my luggage. All. Locked. In. After using a few choice expletives, and Benny trying his hardest to break into my car with a coat hanger (I'm sure his neighbors loved that), I decided to sleep on it and call a Locksmith in the morning. The Locksmith comes, does the exact same thing I'd seen Benny doing the night before (only with an official looking un-bent coat hanger thingy) and within 60 seconds - POP. $50 later and I have my things and my keys. Great way to begin the vacation.

Highlight
Got to see the Detroit Tigers kick the Texas Rangers' asses at Ranger Stadium with the cousins. 13-5 and it wasn't even that exciting. I like a little more action in my baseball games, but this at least somewhat made up for the Tigers losing so badly to the Astros when The Cowboy and I went down to Houston.


































Me, Matthew and Ang.

Observation
Dallas is just about as hot as Austin. And the baseball game was outside. Hi, I'm Sweaty.















Highlight
Ann Arbor is even more beautiful in the summer than I remember. Sadly, I don't have a picture to show you. But everything is even more green and wonderful than my memories showed. Austin is a pretty green area of Texas, but I truly had forgotten how verdant (big word alert) everything looks up there this time of year. Not to mention that it was barely 80 degrees every day and actually pleasant to be outdoors.

Lowlight
It got cold at night. Friday night we sat outside on my friend Lisa's patio and drank and laughed (and laughed, and laughed....oh, and laughed) and it got down into the 60's. I was ccccccccold. I could see my breath. It hasn't taken me long to acclimate to Texas weather.















Apparently, when I'm cold, I look like a thug.

Observation
At first I had trouble remembering what radio stations I used to listen to, so I did a scan and found a country station. Country stations up in Detroit are WAY different than the ones down here. They play almost completely different music. I heard a few songs that I may have heard down here, but on the whole, it was different stuff. Weird.

Highlight




















Got to eat at The Heidelberg, one of my favorite Ann Arbor restaurants, with some of my favorite people.















Me, Marcie, Lisa and Charlene (more blogs to come on these clowns SOON)

Lowlight
Lisa (and I, maybe) couldn't stop laughing and they almost kicked us out.





























































Oh wait, that wasn't a lowlight. It was another highlight. And they didn't really almost kick us out. We were the only people in there. We always are the only people in there. I don't know how that place stays open. I also don't know how they make such delicious pork chops.

Observation
Labatt's Blue Light and Bell's Oberon Ale both taste just as wonderful and delicious as I remember them tasting. I wasn't sure of that after the first one. Or the second. I needed to make absolute certain of it, so I drank quite a few.








































Yep, still tasty.

Lowlight




















I didn't absolutely love the Harry Potter movie*. I didn't hate it. It was ok. And I think if I watched it again I would enjoy it more the second time. But the problem is that I am a HP purist. And I'd just re-read the book, which is clearly a mistake and setting myself up for failure. I know they can't possibly include everything from the books in the movies, but I feel (since you asked) there are certain vital pieces of information which were just barely touched on or left out all together. There are going to be a lot of holes to fill in the beginning of the next movie. I'll shut up now, I'm even annoying myself with all this HP movie talk. Let's just say I was disappointed.

*(For those of you who don't know the story.....my friend from high school Sarah and I have seen every HP movie together since they came out. She flew down to Texas 2 years ago to see Order of the Phoenix, so it was my turn to fly up for Half Blood Prince. The movie came out 3 weeks ago, but Sarah and I waited not so patiently so we could see it together. A lot of hype. A lot of buildup.)

Highlight
I got to spend lots of quality time with Sarah and her girls.




















This is Cate. She will be 4 in a few weeks.




















She had been practicing her "rope tricks" for weeks and was very excited to show me. I'm not sure what Sarah and her husband have told Cate about Texas, but I do know it involves rope tricks, horses and cowboys. Is this how all northerners (read: Yankees) see us?




















Cate is very stylish.




















This is Ellie, Cate's sister. We call her Elbow. She was 1 in April. I've seen some cute kids. I've featured them on my blog.




















This kid? Takes the cute cake.





















I can barely form sentences about how much I love her.





















Sarah is a good mommy.

Observation




















The apron I made for Sarah is my best work yet. Sarah loved it. She's requested one for Cate.

Lowlight
Lisa's precious and wonderful children, Maddie




















and Abby (whose bed I slept in)




















had head lice, unbeknownst to us at the time of my overnight visit. So Lisa had to call me and tell me and apologize for my potential exposure to the little bugs.

Highlight
I don't think I actually got the lices, but just to be safe, Heather and I bought a kit and treated my hair anyway.




















If you've never had to treat lice in your hair or someone else's - be thankful. It's a pain in the arse, and I didn't even have any bugs or eggs in my hair. If I had, I imagine it would have been worse. Heather and I made the most out of it, though, with some more help from Oberon and some good old fashioned trashy reality teevee.

Observation
Gavin is Heather's kid 100%. (or maybe 50%, I never was any good at maths and reproduction)





















His buckets contained, at various points throughout the evening: blueberries, popcorn, chicken, fries and lettuce. I think we have a future "Monster" in the making.















And when those snacks weren't enough, he improvised.




















Gavin's fashion sense leaves a lot to be desired, but at least he's comfortable.


Highlight
Had lunch at Zingerman's, and I can't recall the last time I ate there. It had been years.


















Lowlight
Needed to take out a small loan to afford my sandwich, and remembered why I didn't eat there very often even when I lived in Ann Arbor.














Observation
The #54, Wayne's Inheritance (not pictured), was just as delicious as it used to be, and (grudgingly) worth the $12.00.


Highlight
I got to see most of my family while there.

Lowlight
I don't have any pictures of them.

Observation




















I took this picture for My Lady, who would kill me if she knew that I didn't actually eat there, just stopped by long enough to get a picture. So the official story (if she ever asks) is that I ate there and it was delicious and the proprietor (who we call Lai Lai) is alive and well.

Lowlight
On the plane ride back to Dallas, the kid (11 or 12 years old) sitting directly behind me sneezed no fewer than 30 times. Loudly. And I'm not sure he covered his mouth once. He could have, I suppose. I wasn't about to turn around and look at him and risk getting sneezed on in the face. But every time I'd lean my head against the window and try to doze off.....AHHHHCHOOOOOO. And all I could think about was airborn germs and SARS and bacteria and getting sick. No rest for the weary on the plane.

Highlight
I saw Eddie Montgomery, from the country duo Montgomery Gentry, at the airport. In fact, I'm pretty sure he was on my flight. But I for sure stood near him durring baggage claim, and also while we were waiting for our rides. My ride came in the form of Ang and Benny, his in the form of his monstrous tour bus with a sign that said "Eddie Montgomery" on the front, and "Montgomery Gentry" on the back.




















He did not have on his big black hat or trench coat. In fact, he was dressed like a regular dude. He had on a backwards baseball cap, shorts and a t-shirt. He was just standing there with another guy (not Gentry) chatting and waiting for his bag. No bodyguards or entourage or anything. I guess he's not that high profile, and can still travel without being recognized.

Confession
I did not recognize him at first. It wasn't until I saw him get on the tour bus that I actually looked at him and thought it might be him, and not until I looked him up on the interwebs that I realized that it was, in fact, Eddie Montgomery. Otherwise you know I would have gotten my camera out and taken a picture. I have no shame.

In Summary...
It was a great trip, if a little short and rushed. Thanks to everyone who put me up, paid for a meal, drove me to or from the airport, and combed my hair for bugs.

The Cowboy and I are off on another vacation next week, this time to Palo Duro Canyon. It's my last week of summer vacation, and then it's back to work for me.

Sniffle.