One herb away from Scarborough Fair

Despite my strange and inexplicable affinity for all things Gnome, my thumb is most decidedly not green. The Cowboy is the gardener in our little family, and that's just fine with me for the most part. I help him here and there when he needs it, but for the most part, I'm a Plant Killer. I come by it naturally, I suppose. Betty Nuggs is a plant killer also. You won't find any green living things in her house, unless it's mold on some old food in the fridge. I'd like to think I'm a little better about having plants and taking proper care of them than my mother. Perhaps not much, and perhaps not at all, maybe I'm just fooling myself, but I have managed to have 3 indoor house plants for several years now, and not kill them.

When it comes to the out of doors, however, I generally turn the reins over to The Cowboy and he does a great job. He comes by his gardening abilities just as naturally as I come by mine - his parents have bananas, oranges, strawberries, tomatoes, okra, and all manner of other edible and non-edible plants growing in their yard. It's like a jungle over there. But in a good way. The Cowboy is the same way. We could open up our own produce stand over here with all the things he plants and grows each year.

We have an apple tree (with one teeny little apple!)

An orange tree with lots of itty bitty oranges!

Garlic

Cucumber plants (which will turn into pickles)

Dewberry bushes (which will turn into jam)

He also has some tomatoes, peppers and lemons back there. And lord knows what else. In addition to some beautiful rose bushes on the side of the house.

Every year I try to plant some herbs and keep from killing them until at least June. I've been mildly successful in the past, and some of that success has carried over from year to year. We couldn't kill our rosemary if we tried.

It's rouge. And 2 years ago I planted some thyme on the side of the house that is still going strong. I never use thyme in my cooking, so it just sit there and looks pretty, but it's growing nicely, and I will take the credit for that despite my lack of watering and pretty much forgetting it's over there.

This year I have once again decided to try my hand, or thumb as the case may be, at growing a little herb garden. I bought seeds for basil, parsley and lavender and planted them in pots. Then I forgot to water them for about a week, but thankfully we had some rain. And miraculously, when I checked on the plants the other day - lo and behold! Hark!

Green! Buds! Plants! Living things!

I can't remember which pot I put what in, so I have 2 out of 3 pots sprouting growth, and I don't have any idea what it is coming up. It's like a fun little mystery! Surprise! We've got basil! Or parsley! Or maybe lavender! Time will tell. Sometimes it pays to have a shitty memory.

My calla lily plants also bloomed nicely this year, despite my best efforts to unintentionally kill them. Perhaps the plants have forgiven me! See here, people of the internets, I will become a World Class Gardener, the likes of which few can ever hope to become. Akin to (insert famous gardener name here)!

Probably not. But if I can make something grow and have some yummy basil to put on the tomatoes The Cowboy grows, I'll be happy. Baby steps.

Speaking of growing things and making jam, it was Jam Central over here today. Jam Master Cowboy and I made 27 jars of strawberry jam. No, we did not grow the strawberries. I got them on sale at my new favorite store, Sprouts. But now we have enough jam to last us until the apocalypse.

I will be sure to keep you all abreast of my gardening triumphs. Please pray for me and for my plants and for rain in case (when) I forget to water them.

Good Things

Here is a list (I love lists!) of the latest and greatest in my life. Because I know you've all been waiting with baited breath on tenterhooks on the edge of your seat for this.

Thanksgiving

My cousin Ang called me last weekend and asked if I wanted to drive up to Michigan for Thanksgiving with her. Um, does a bear shit in the woods? The answer is yes. I haven't been back to Michigan for Thanksgiving since I moved down here, so it will be my first "My Family Meal" since 2005. I am EXCITED. I mean no disrespect to The Cowboy or his people, but you know how Thanksgiving with anyone else's family just isn't quite the same. The food is always different. Not necessarily bad different, but different, and I look forward to eating familiar, wonderful, comforting food this year.

Because we're leaving in one week, I've been scrambling to get my Christmas shopping (for those in Michigan) done so I can bring it with me and save me an ass ton on shipping. Well, I haven't really been "scrambling", so much, as I've been loving every minute of it. It gave me an official excuse to get into the Christmas spirit. I try to show a normal amount of restraint when it comes to music, decorations and shopping, but my pending trip north allowed me to throw caution to the wind and dive nose first into Christmas Time. I'm a happy clam. Y'all know how I feel about Christmas.

It's Back!

Hey speaking of Christmas, look what's back on the store shelves!!

I love this stuff. I bought 3 2-liters today, only to get home and discover that one of them is diet. DAMMIT. Oh well, that will be the stuff I use to mix with the vodker. That way I won't taste it as much. Speaking of drinks....

Box-o-Wine

I was leery of the wine in a box concept. Perhaps because my only experience with it was Franzia White Zinfandel. And that shit is nasty. But recently, I was at my friend Christy's house (mom of BSP) and she offered me a glass of wine, which of course I accepted, and it was a glass from a box-o-wine. And it was good. And I was shocked. And then I was happy. And I was all, "Mmm this is good." And she was all "Yeah it's from a box." And I was all "Shut up!" And she was all "No, it's true". And then she showed me, and it was true. The end.

Target has their Wine Cubes on sale this week - $15.99. And there is the equivalent of 4 bottles in one box. For SIXTEEN DOLLARS. That is $4 a bottle. I did the maths, you can trust me. And it stays good in your fridge for up to 4 weeks (if it lasts that long, which it won't at my house and if you need any help polishing your box off, please let me know). Now, it's not the best quality wine I've ever had. But it sure as shit ain't the worst either. It falls somewhere right in the middle. For $16, I will take it. I am enjoying a glass right now as I type this.

There's my box-o-wine, nestled happily on the shelf in the fridge. What's that? You say that you see a six pack of beer, a bottle of champagne AND a bottle of vodka in the fridge? No, we do not have a problem. No, that orange juice was not purchased for the sole purpose of making mimosas. No, I do not need 12 steps. Let's move on.

Oranges!

The Cowboy bought some fruit trees this year. Apple, lemon, lime and orange. So far, we haven't produced any real quality fruit, but he tells me that it sometimes takes a full year for the trees to produce. However, when I took the dogs outside the other morning, I noticed this:

!!!!!! It looks almost ready to eat. Perhaps I'll cut it up and float it on top of my mimosas. I'm KIDDING. Geesh, lighten up.

Baby Hats

A girl I work with and her husband are adopting a little girl. The pick her up tomorrow, and we are having a baby shower for them at work on Monday. The little girl is 19 months old, and has Chromosome 18, which is a disorder I'm told is similar to Down Syndrome. She is the sweetest, cutest little thing (they've had her on weekends now for several months), and her name is Alyssa. I don't have any pictures, but if I get some I will post them. Natch, I made a hat for her.

And another for my friend Sarah's daughter, Elbow Macaroni.

I am loving these hats - they knit up in several hours and are so cute. Hats for everyone!

And the last Good Thing in my life right now is

This dog.

She is so sweet. To put it simply, I love her.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Sew What?

Here is a (relatively) recent picture of Baby Stinky Pants.

The reason I post this is 3 fold.

1) I haven't posted a picture of her in a long time, and I thought you all might be curious to see how frick fracking cute she's getting (and crawling!)....

2) It's my blog and I'll post whatever the hell I want...

3) Baby Stinky Pants' mom (Christy) and I took a sewing class last month, and the fruits of that class will be the subject of my blog today. But I thought I'd start it off with a cute baby picture. Also, I have not forgotten about The Cuteness, and I will make sure to post a recent picture of her in an upcoming blog. You will all crap your pants when you see how big she's gotten.

Sew anyway.....(wakka wakka) Christy and I took a sewing class a few weeks back. The Cowboy bought me a sewing machine for Christmas (bless his little heart, he didn't get me jewelry or a nice Caribbean vacation, he bought me a sewing machine), and I figure I'd better learn to use the darn thing. Actually, I was pretty excited. And actually, he did buy me an iPod touch for Christmas as well. And actually, he also bought me the laptop I am using to write this blog as we speak for no apparent reason a few weeks ago. So really I guess I should shut up. Besides, I love the sewing machine.

The sewing class itself was marginally informational. The instructor was a little crazy, and I feel like she rushed through a lot of things that may be important later on. We had to buy all these extra feet for our machine, and we didn't end up using 2 or 3 of them. And some of them were on the pricey side. And when I say pricey, I mean upwards of $4.00. But listen, I'm not made of money. And while I do feel like I have a better understanding of my machine and what to do with it in certain situations, you will see later in this blog that she did not teach me all that I feel I need to know to move forward. Not to mention the fact that the finished product of that class is a giant piece of crap.

Exhibits A and B.

It's supposed to be a "cosmetic bag". I wish you could see this thing in person. These pictures make it look cute. I assure you, it's not.

But I would not be deterred. My Lady (who doesn't blog any more either, but I still linked her, just for shits and gigs) gave me a very easy pattern for a bag, made by sewing 2 dish towels (yes, dish towels!) together. I made one last weekend and fell in love with it. Since then I've dropped nearly $50 on dishtowels, and that is not an exaggeration. I've made 5 total, and have enough towels to make about 5 more. Check em out.

The Purple One. The first one I made. It's nice, but they get better. For one, I lengthened the handles on all the other ones. And my seams got straighter too. The bottom part of the bag (in this case, the stripey part) is pockets. There are 4 pockets total. 2 in front, 2 in back.

The Green One. You can see the longer straps. Now, hold onto your pants because they are about to start getting REALLY cute.

The Multi Colored One. I KNOW. Believe me. My arm was sore after I made this one from patting myself on the back.

The Blue and Brown Ones. I'm out of words for my craftiness.

I'm telling you, after I made these bags, I was on top of the world. Sew, I decided that I wanted to tackle another project. Something bigger. Something more difficult. I knew I could do it. Hell, I can put 2 dish clothes together and sew them up in a few places. What can't I do?

Sew, apparently.

My next project? An apron. Simple, cute, right? The pattern even promised to be easy.

"Simplicity". Simple my ass.

I bought the cutest fabric.

Don't you love the apple and pear fabric? Wouldn't I look adorable in a apron made out of it? Well it ain't gonna happen unless I take that piece of material and belt it around myself. I am completely lost. Why? Because, oh yeah, we didn't actually learn how to READ A PATTERN in my sewing class. Sew how am I actually supposed to sew anything? It's like some sort of special magical language they speak in these patterns. I got this far only because the nice girl at JoAnn Etc. explained to me how to tell how much fabric was needed, and how to lay it out. Sew I was able to lay it out,

and cut it.

But from here I really have no idea what to do next. I read and re-read the pattern and I am at a total and complete loss. So please, if anyone has any idea what to do next, please help me. Please. I want an apron so bad.

I have nothing to sew now. So I guess I'll enjoy the roses. Straight from our garden. Hope you all had a good weekend!

Freshness

Look! The first sign of spring has sprung at our house! I came home from work today and found not 1 but 2 daffodils had bloomed! So exciting. It was nearly 80 degrees today and beautiful. I'm sorry for you if you live in a cold climate. You should probably move to Texas, where the flowers bloom in February and people, such as myself, wear flip flops to work.

Now then, on to the important business. The reason I know you've all tuned in today.

I have lots to say. First, I'd like to preface all my Idol commentary by saying that I didn't watch ANY Hollywood week shows, and I only saw a few audition shows. So most of the people I saw last night, and presumably in future shows, are fresh to my eyes and ears. I don't know their sob stories. I don't know much about them. I know what I saw and heard last night. And let me tell you. In some cases, it was not good. Not good.

And so I will begin. I will take them in the order they came last night and I will give you my candid, unscripted thoughts. If you don't agree with me, I'm sorry. Start your own blog. Feel free to express any opinions in my comments section.

Jackie Tohn (A Little Less Conversation) - Her singing was not good, but that's beside the point as far as I'm concerned. Freddy Mercury called and wants those pants back. They were the worst things I've ever seen. I wish I had a picture to go along with this, but I couldn't find one, and I didn't look very hard. However in my notes from last night I have the following written next to her name: pants - NO NO NO. Someone needs to throw those pants away, and while they're a it, grab her dad's hat and toss it with them. Freddy and Elvis are turning over in their graves, I'm sure. Her performance was annoying, her dance moves were ridiculous, and her belt and shoes don't even deserve mention. In summary, I did not like this chick. At all.

Ricky Braady (A Song For You) - AKA "Ears". Listen, when Idol is young and there are still a lot on contestants, I need nicknames to help me remember who is who. This guy is Ears. And I'm pretty sure Ears won't be around after tonight, so I don't feel bad not remembering his name. Or his performance. During the replay of the evening (at the end of the show), I thought it didn't sound as bad as when I heard it the first time around, but still I thought he was forgettable. I don't think he stands out, vocally or personality-wise, and at this early stage, that's a lot of what gets you through to the next round. I did appreciate the fact that he was rocking the velvet jacket, though. Thumbs up for that, Ears.

Alexis Grace (Never Loved a Man) - For starters, I'm not a fan of the pink hair, generally speaking, but hey, it makes her stand out, and because of that I'm not going to comment on her outfit, which I also did not find appropriate, except for in the boudoir. Appearances aside, however, I am a big fat sucker for a bluesy, gritty, soulful white girl voice, and this chick had it. She is a little thing with a big voice, and I thought her singing was great. I will go ahead and say that I think she was the best female vocal of the evening and based strictly on that, she should advance. I'm not sure she will, though.

Brent Keith (Hicktown) - "Dimples". Hey, I want to live the country boy. I want to like the guy with the dimples and the cute smile. I want to like him, he seems like a nice guy. But is performance was just OK. Not bad, not at all. But not great either. Very unoriginal, very much like the radio version of that song. I'm not saying this guy wouldn't make a good artist, but for American Idol, he just doesn't stand out. Sorry Dimples. I tried.

Stevie Wright (You Belong With Me) - Going into Tuesday's performances, Stevie was one of the people I had seen in auditions, and knew that I liked. I like a young girl who isn't all made up and malllish and can sing. I like that she was named after Stevie Nicks. I like that she doesn't have a big head about her yet. I was really pulling for this girl. In my notes about her, I composed a little poem (unintentionally). It goes like this: bad bad bad, not good. so sad. Who the hell let her pick that song? Who heard her rehearsing that and let her get on stage with it? It didn't suit her, she couldn't sing it well, it was too young for her, I don't care how old she is. Her voice is better than that song. I am really disappointed by her performance. Syonara, Stevie.

Anoop Desai (Angel of Mine) - Noop Dog. I will level with you. If I had to pick an American Idol right now, based on whatever criteria I choose, I will choose the Noopster. I love him. And I think it's high time that he have an Indian American Idol. And that mangina Sanjaya doesn't count. Sure, his performance last night wasn't all that great. But it wasn't BAD. It just didn't show his vocal range and personality as good as some of his earlier songs had. Such as the 1989 Bobby Brown cult-classic "My Prerogative". But you know what? It was Noopy's prerogative to sing whatever he wanted to sing last night. He can live his life. No one can tell him what to do. Cause what he be doing, he's doing for you.

Casey Carlson (Every Little Thing She Does is Magic) - AKA "Amy Winehouse Hair". She's not sporting it in the above pic, but she was last night. You know what else she was sporting last night? Porn face. Seriously, did you see some of the looks on her face while she was singing? Painful. I didn't care for her performance, but I will say that at times, I could hear a bit of a good voice peeking through her shit bag of a song. No disrespect to Sir Sting and The Police.

Michael Sarver (I Don't Wanna Be) - Another early favorite of mine, and I don't feel like he fell flat on his ass like Stevie did. I thought some of the judges were a bit rough on him, and that he rocked the song out, he connected with it, and it was a solid, good performance. I think he's gotten enough air time, and has a certain like-ability about him, that he may be able to pull through a pass to the next round, but his vocals surely weren't the best of the evening. Also, he's from Texas. So I gotta root for the local boy.

Ann Marie Boskovich (Natural Woman) - I liked this girl from the auditions. I think she's really beautiful, and though I'm not a lesbian, I would like to kiss her a little bit. I'm only half joking. I was disappointed in her performance, mostly because I felt like that song was way too big for her voice. She has a nice voice. She should have picked a song that suited it better. Ann Marie, if things don't work out, call me.

Stephen Fowler (Rock With You) - A brother can't get a break. I thought the judges were way too hard on him. Ok I will admit that his song choice had a lot to do with why I loved it so much. Ok I will admit that while he was singing, I was waving my hands in the air, a la Paula Abdul. I am a sucker for some old school Michael Jackson. But also I didn't think his performance was "corny" as Simon said. I do think this guy is a soulful singer, and hope in the future he chooses better songs that showcase that. But I was a fan of this performance.

Tatiana Del Toro (Saving All My Love For You) - Does anyone actually like this girl? I mean seriously. Besides her parents and those two yahoos she paid to pretend to be her friends last night. Does anyone in America really like her? Will anyone vote for her? It matters not whether she can sing (which she both can and can't, she's inconsistent), because she's totally completely over the top annoying and obnoxious. Haven't we all, as a people, learned our lessons about picking Whitney Houston songs? You don't do it. You leave well enough alone. I can't imagine anyone will vote for her. I really can't.

Danny Gokey (Hero) - Is this the guy whose wife died? Is this the guy I'm supposed to feel sorry for? Really, if his wife did die, I do feel bad for him. I'm honestly wondering. Is this him? I don't know. I thought he was the best male vocal of the evening, and I hate that song. HATE IT. But he broke it down. This kid can sing.

So, my picks to advance would be (based on performances and best vocals): Pink Hair, Dead Wife and Noop Dog. I wish I could pick more, but if I have to choose 3, I choose them.

I'd like to add at this point, that I wrote all of the above earlier in the day and didn't get a chance to post. Idol has since aired. I have not seen it, and do not know the results. I will go review the DVR as soon as I hit publish.

Until next week.....

Male Bonding

Ah, male bonding. A time honored tradition. Some do it over a football game and a few beers. Others enjoy getting together to play their favorite video or card games. Whatever the case may be, you can be sure that where there are males and bonding, there shall also be beer, ball scratching, and much swearing.

In Texas, y'all, we do thangs a bit differently. Down here, our boys like to partake of some good ol' fashioned male bonding over..........

Pickle Making.

That's right. The Cowboy and his BFF Johnny got together last night to make pickles.
I tried not to think too much about the completely obvious and slightly disturbing significance of the phalic shaped vegetable that they had chosen to work with, and just enjoy the fact that there were 2 males in the kitchen-a-cookin' (and a-drinking, but what did you expect?).

There will be no tutorial today about pickle making. I didn't help. I sat on my happy ass and played Rock Band (solo tour, thank you very much) and then read and went to bed. Oh, and I tried to take some pictures of the process, but these boys were not having it. They were not interested in being photographed and blogged about. Well tough noogies. Here is The Cowboy, being very uncooperative. As usual. Also, he needs a hair cut.

A more immature person might take this opportunity to make some sophmoric jokes regarding men and pickles, and whathaveyou. I am not such a person. But I will show you some pictures of our mutant cucumbers, and you can perhaps form some of these jokes in your own mind. Feel free to leave them in my comments, if you'd like. Because while I may not make the jokes, that doesn't mean I can't enjoy them.

Our stash of cukes. Last year we had a ton of great cucumbers, but for some reason this year we got crap.

On the left: Gigan-cumber. On the right, a normal cuke.
(suppressing jokes, suppressing jokes, suppressing jokes)

Look! The Jam Helpers were back and eager to pose for a picture and help with the pickle making.

Limes? No. Our mutant cukes.

The boys had a very productive evening, and the entire house now smells like vinegar. Mmmm. Scentful.