The Great Jean Conundrum

As most of you already know, I've been trying to lose weight since last January. I've been pretty successful - at my lowest I was down 23 pounds - and I've been able to keep most of the weight off. Hey, no one is perfect. Cut me some slack. I like to hit the sauce, and those calories add up.

But the really good news is that I'm down 2 pants sizes. Well, almost. Here's the situation. For the sake of this story, let's just pretend that I used to be a size 6. And I did. In high school. 14 years ago. But let's pretend that I was a size 6 in January when I started losing weight. Go ahead and take a minute and laugh at the absurdity of this suggestion. I know, it's ridiculous. Har har. Size 6. Whatever. Skinny bitches.

Anyway, for the sake of argument, and also for the sake of I'm not going to tell you my real pants size, I was a size 6 in January. All fat and happy in my size 6 pants. And then I started losing weight, and pretty soon, I was wearing size 4. And lots of my pants were size 4s anyway, and I had some pants that I hadn't worn in a few months, size 4, and I threw those on too. And of course, I bought a few new pairs of pants/shorts as well. So the weight loss continues..... and now my size 4s are too loose. They start falling off me as I'm chasing a kid across the playground, or pushing a friend's car through the intersection as we're leaving the bar one night. Hypothetically, of course.

And I can't keep my size 4s up. And belts don't help. I'm not a belt person anyway. So, I go to the store and I try on a size 2 and - lo! Behold! They fit. Almost. I mean, I can get them over my gigantic thighs, hips and ass. And I can button them. And I can breathe, for the most part. So I consider this a victory. And they make my ass look spectacular, and they're on sale for $20, so I buy 2 pairs. But here's the deal - they're just ever so slightly tight. I can wear them, but by the end of the day, I'm jonesing big time for my sweats, and I'm afraid that if I bend over too quickly, or immediately after lunch, they might split open. Ok, not really. I mean it's not like they're painted on. But they're a bit snug. So today I'm wearing my size 4s, and they're too big.

What the hell. The 4s are too big and the 2s are too small. They both fit, but neither is comfortable. Apparently, I need a size 3. Do they make size 3? No, they don't. I know that this should motivate me to lose another 8 pounds or so, so that the 2s fit me better, but dammit I'm pissed. Why is it so hard to find jeans that fit? Is it too much to ask? Does anyone else have this problem?

The end.